I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize