I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Soap is not a condiment
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
