Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
