I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize