Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
