Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
