i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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