this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
