I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
