Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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