Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
