I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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