Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
