When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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