I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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