my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
