i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
