all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
