I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize