sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
