i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You made out with two different species that night
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
