Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I am one with the molecules
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
