my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
