dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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