i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
