Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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