I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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