Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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