I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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