cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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