Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
