Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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