this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
