I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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