So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
