tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
