Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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