Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Operation Purity has been aborted
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't deserve a penis
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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