Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
