drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
