dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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