On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
