you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
