I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
