I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
