shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You may now shotgun with the bride
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
