No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
