i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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