Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
