4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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