i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
