Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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