There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
another moral hangover. fuck.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
