My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
