I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize