I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
