Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
