and you said cock pushups were impossible
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
