Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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