Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
