so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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