Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
