im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
