I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
foreskin is a definite game changer
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
