i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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