Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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