they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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