Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
