as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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